Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
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Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Kermit goes Blue.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*