You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
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Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox