[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
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My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t