I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
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I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke