Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no