“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
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Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.