9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
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Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Oops I deleted….
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.