*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
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I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.