I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
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I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.