I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

You Might Also Like


Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.


“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”


“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman


me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary


The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.


*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous


GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.


Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.


“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.


independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas