Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Me checking my bank balance online.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework