“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
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Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
why no one uses midhusbands
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Cool shirt 🙂
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door