“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
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“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.