If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
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*praying for world peace*
God:
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
What in the hipster hell is going on here
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
good work, everybody
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog