me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
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There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.