Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
This guy gets it.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
BaD BoY!!
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door