a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
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My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Cake safety first. Always.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over