Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
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barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months