Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
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dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.