He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry