Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
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[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer