Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
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i think both sides are to blame here
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing