i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
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When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
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Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”