i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
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Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?