Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
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To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN