An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.