Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
A woman drives into a bar.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
