Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”