*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
not seeing the problem
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.