not seeing the problem
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Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”