Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
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“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Ok who’s got my black socks?
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with