*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
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[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.