You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
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I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.