The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
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*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
The sacred texts.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”