Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
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#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
A drum solo but on your face.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….