If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
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It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.