me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
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Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time