I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
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Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?