No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
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88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
my one true gender
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Anyone want a chair?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him