One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
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I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
seems fine
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
🍛
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.