Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
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“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
oh my gosh!!
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*