[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
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Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
True?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Pringles
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.