Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
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Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
drew a comic about my origin story
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.