“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
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[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods