Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
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Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing