the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
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The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.