“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
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One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option