Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
sry
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever