Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
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[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Has science gone too far?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.