*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
You Might Also Like
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.