Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
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Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
yea so i messed up lol
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
These aliens are taking forever.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥