Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
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Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Not my job 😂
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Bro what is this
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead