And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
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Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?