And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose