Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
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If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.